Degenerate Gambler’s Guide to Surviving Quarantine

If you are a true degenerate gambler, you are not doing well. No sports and no casinos is absolute nightmare fuel to a guy like me that loves burning money like its my job. But do not fear fellow degens, I am here to help you get your fix in these dark times. Thankfully, we have a stimulus check from our boy Donny J. coming in that has the potential to make all of us very rich.

Sports Simulations

What’s the next best thing to betting on real sports? Betting on video game simulations of sporting events. Let me tell you, it’s truly beautiful the lengths people will go to gamble money. Basically what you do is tune into the Twitch stream and it’s like you’re gambling on a real sporting event. The cool thing about these is absolutely nobody knows how these games will go, so bet whatever you want because they’re all just a toss up. Today I watched the Jets almost cover a 10.5 point spread against the Patriots in Foxborough. After scoring 28 of the 46 points I needed to cover the over in the Falcons/Panthers game, both teams scored 0 points in the second half and I almost broke my TV. Mitch Trubisky looked like Michael Vick against the Lion’s defense. It’s a trip man. If you need a bookie that actually covers these simulations, shoot me an email and I’ll get you set up.

Day Trading

Made popular by Barstool Sports President and fellow degen Dave Portnoy during quarantine, day trading is the gentlemen’s version of gambling. After trying it for a week and losing a substantial amount of money because I had no idea what the hell I was doing, I would not recommend. Turns out, you can’t just go and just invest in random stocks that are down and hope they go up. So after that, my day trading career went up in flames and I retired. It was a rush though.

Online Poker

Probably my favorite means of gambling. Online poker, if you know how to play it, can give you all the rush your degenerate heart can handle. I prefer live poker myself, so I can look into an old man’s soul when I take all of his money, but online poker does the job. Being able to play multiple tables at once means you constantly have action, which is one of the down sides of live poker. I personally will not recommend a site for you to play on because they’re all sketchy as hell. The only advice I’ll give you is don’t put more money into a site than you’re willing to lose.

Try Quitting

You could use this time as a wake up call and realize you have a problem. Maybe call the gambling addiction hotline and get some help. You could save the money you use for gambling and buy something nice for someone special for you. If you’ve read this far and thought “huh, maybe he’s right”, then please get the hell out of here. That was a test, and you failed. I’m here for the true degenerates. The ones that have seen Rounders more times than they can count and are not afraid to put their rent on a 5-team parlay that has no shot of hitting. If you’re not with us, then you are absolutely against us and we don’t need that kind of negativity in our lives. The only time I’ve ever called the gambling addiction hotline was because I had money on whether a woman would answer the phone or not, that’s the kind of degeneracy we’re here for at Top Shelf Takes.

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